Discipline and Limit-Setting: Birth to 12 Months
In order to follow rules and understand limits, children need to develop self-control. Self-control is the ability to cope with strong feelings and stop one’s self from doing something that is not allowed. Developing self-control begins at birth and continues throughout childhood. Young children learn self-control through interactions with peers, parents and other loving adults.
Babies and Self-Control
Babies are not born with self-control. However, they begin developing self-soothing skills-the beginning of self-control-in their first months. For example, many babies learn how to soothe themselves by sucking on a pacifier or finger. This helps them cope with waiting while a loved one gets ready to feed them. Babies are also learning that they can’t always have everything they want:
A 9-month-old grabs the television remote. He is happily pushing buttons when his caregiver gently removes it from his hand and puts it on a bookshelf. She says: “The remote control is not a toy, sweetie. But how about this instead?” She gives him a toy with buttons to push and doors to open. This baby is learning about self-control because he has to accept a substitute toy-although his caregiver made sure he could still explore with his hands.
What You Can Do to Nurture Early Self-Control:
· Help babies learn to soothe themselves. Babies have different ways of calming down. Some need lots of physical contact, such as rocking or hugging, while others like being swaddled or put down for a minute to get a break from interaction. Some babies are soothed by your singing while others need to suck to calm themselves. By trying different things to help babies calm down you help them learn to soothe themselves. You also teach them that they can rely on you, which makes them feel safe and secure.
• Find ways to keep yourself calm. Hearing babies cry can be very stressful and frustrating. It can make you feel worried or even powerless when you want to help a baby feel better but nothing is working. When you feel this way, it’s best to put the baby down somewhere safe (like a crib) and take a few moments to calm down. When you are feeling calm, the baby is more likely to feel calm too.
• Teach babies what they can do, not just what they can’t. If a 10-month-old is throwing a toy car in the house, gently take it from his hand and give him a soft ball instead and show him a place where he can throw it. Over time, experiences like these help him learn right from wrong. And remember, at 10 months, babies are not able to remember rules so you will probably have to keep doing a lot of distracting and redirecting in the months to come.
• Comfort babies. Sometimes caregivers are concerned about spoiling a baby-doing more for her than she needs. If a baby is crying, it is often because she needs you to help her calm down because she is having a hard time coping. Babies need your love and comfort. This helps them grow up to be secure and confident children.
In order to follow rules and understand limits, children need to develop self-control. Self-control is the ability to cope with strong feelings and stop one’s self from doing something that is not allowed. Developing self-control begins at birth and continues throughout childhood. Young children learn self-control through interactions with loving adults and peers.
Young Toddlers and Self-Control
Toddlers express their strong feelings loud and clear. “No!” becomes a favorite word. Toddlers can also become frustrated easily because there are still many things that they want to do but cannot. Here is an example of how toddlers learn self-control:
A 15-month-old tosses his toy truck across the room. He starts to laugh at the big crash it makes. When his caregiver calls his name in a not-happy voice, he turns with a surprised look on his face. “No throwing trucks,” she tells him, and hands him the truck. “You can push the truck or roll it.” He throws it again and looks at his caregiver to see what will happen. “The rule is no throwing trucks. I am going to put this truck away for a little while. Why don’t you try throwing this soft ball instead?” He cries for a little while but, when he sees he is not getting the truck back, he happily starts throwing the ball.
Young toddlers still lack self-control and don’t have the memory to remember rules and limits. You help them develop self-control by patiently repeating rules and gently distracting them with another activity.
What You Can Do:
• Stop the behavior. For example, firmly take the child’s hand and tell her in a serious voice: No hitting. Hitting hurts.
• Help the child calm down. When a child breaks down, he is telling you he cannot cope. When you comfort him, you help him learn how to eventually soothe himself. Keep in mind that some children need space to calm down. Creating a safe place where children can take a break-where there are soothing objects like stuffed animals, pillows, books-can be very helpful.
• Label the child’s feelings. This makes her feel understood and helps her calm down. You are so angry that Paolo took your toy. It’s okay to feel angry. But you cannot hit. Hitting hurts.
• Offer appropriate ways to express feelings, such as using her words if she is verbal, or other strategies such as drawing a picture about her feelings or hitting a pillow, if this is acceptable to you and her parent(s).
• Help the child solve the problem. For example, go over to Paolo together and ask for the toy back. Use a timer to help the children take turns.
What You Can Do to Help Young Toddlers Begin to Cope With Limits
Provide guidance and intervention that is appropriate for you toddler’s age and stage.
1. Stop the behavior. For example, firmly (but not angrily) take your child’s hand and tell her in a serious (but not angry) voice: No hitting. Hitting hurts.
2. Label your child’s feeling. This makes her feel understood and helps her calm down. You are so angry that Paolo took your toy. It’s okay to feel angry. But you cannot hit. Hitting hurts.
3. Offer an appropriate way to express feelings. Show her what she can do to express her angry feelings, like jumping up and down or stomp